Today, this week, its all just been practically amazing. Ive got the highest self-esteem that Ive had in such a long time. Ive finally straightened myself up, straightened up most of my life, and I just feel great. Im really looking around. Not psuedo looking around, and seeing everything for beautiful, but seeing everyone for who they really are. People who you always think were so beautiful, and realizing, they arent, but you percieve them as beautiful because of their self confidence. You realize that perception is everything. You could be ugly, and believe you are pretty, and other people will see you as pretty. That works both ways. Think youre ugly, everyone is going to percieve you as ugly. Im also looking around at everyone who wears tight clothing, and realizing, they arent all skinny. Hell, most people arent. Most real people, at least. It makes me realize, I am not fat. I am not gross. Im on the skinnier end of fat, and I really like it there. Id rather eat and be happy, than not eat and be skinny.
Im just so proud of myself for finally waking up and looking around.
Im wearing tight clothes, wearing color even, wearing shirts Ive made myself and not worrying about what other people think about any of it. Call me fat, call me gross. You have no idea what I have gone through to feel this good about myself, and the opinion of one fag is not going to hurt me as much as you wish.
I wish this would last, I really hope it does. It doesnt last long enough, ever. Today, Denise and I were talking about this weekend, and she says "Saturday is Theresa's..." and she hesitated for a millisecond before finishing off with "...birthday party." I was sitting there, waiting for the sinking feeling to happen, realizing that I didnt get invited to yet ANOTHER birthday party, and for me to get all depressed and like, I have no friends *pout and cry*, but it never happened. I didnt feel any of it. Not the slightest hint of sadness. That shows how much I realize that we just arent friends anymore. High school has changed us all. And yes, it hurt at first, but now, Im over it. Im happy with who I am now, what I have changed to make myself who I am has all been for the better. It is a hard road, especially trying not to think or believe that this is all fake, that its drugs talking, that my mania is just going to ruin it tomorrow, but for today, Im glad I have the courage to look in the mirror and say, "Thats me. Im so cute."
It also feels really good to have somewhat formed ideas of what I want to be. It makes my outlook on the future so great. I have like, 5 or 6 really grand ideas of what I want to do, thanks to childhood fantasies, and Lord of the Dance, and Amanda Chibani, and Specks Howard, and foreign language, and great teachers, ect. I have such a positive outlook on the future. I cant wait for the future to be the present. Im so ready for everything, and I cant wait to do something that makes me beyond happy.
Edit- Eph3m3ralxL0v3 (11:13:23 PM): me two years ago would be like
Eph3m3ralxL0v3 (11:13:48 PM): WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WTF ARE YOU DOING WEARING A TIGHT SHIRT?! DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK AND CALL YOU FAT AND UGLY?!
Eph3m3ralxL0v3 (11:13:53 PM): I wouldnt believe this is me, at all.
Yeah, you know it.